Yes dear readers/investors, it's about that time again. As we speak, hopefuls across Europe (and Australia and the Middle East) are about to be vetted by their countries' equivalent of the escaped Wohl Pathology Museum specimen that is Simon Cowell to determine who should fly the national colours at this year's Eurovision Song Contest.
From a cursory browse of the current nominees I can see that the Nordics have once again been getting some big ideas about snaring the goth vote despite previous failures to convert it into a win. History would suggest that either there simply aren't enough Eurovision enthusiasts in the gothic/alternative/industrial scene to swing the vote, or that it takes more than a vaguely crunchy beat and a bit of Cyberdog clobber to win over the judges, who will probably end up awarding the grand prize to some dreary singer-songwriter, as per.
So why, then, if Iceland couldn't win with their astonishing aggro-EBM selection in 2019 or Finland with their insanely catchy contribution last year, did Norway's second most embarrassing goth-industrial band think they could count on their country's support - nevermind Europe's - for...well...this:
Where does one even begin? Even as someone who's already been exposed to the band's remedial sub-Oomph! goth metal nonsense n0teeth physically winced at the above clip. Why is there a lost child onstage? What's with the furry wall with claws coming out of it? Did Uncle Jack inspire the entire thing?
By comparison, this similarly goth-baiting pile of dreck, which relative newcomers Scarlet have thrown in the ring to be considered for Sweden, is almost tolerable. It is merely Bad Music, as opposed to Bad Music Which Encapsulates Everything That Is Bad About That Kind Of Music:
In the end though, while the goths' needs may be satisfied by some lousy theatrics in full ICP/King Diamond slap, what the rivet head really craves is uniforms, kitsch and a banging beat. And that is why Ukraine won our cold, rusty hearts despite not winning the competition in 2007:
It's incredible what can be achieved in the arts when a government bans all instruments except drum machines and accordions and forces all of its citizens to wear aluminium foil. Finally, here's Croatia ponying up their best, campest Laibach tribute act in 2023: