My dear readers, I know many of you thought the day would never come, but I have finally seen the light and embraced the unjustly maligned subgenre of "aggro-tech".
The seeds were sown after we caught a recent screening of Electronic Body Movie. During the Q&A that followed, the director was asked why he chose to focus his film on EBM artists from the 80s, avoiding any mention of any artists from the 90s or 2000s. He hemmed and hawed, and couldn't provide a snappy answer, and I think I know why.
After going back and listening to such classics as "You Will Be The Bitch Now" by Combichrist, "Glowstix, Neon & Blood" by Incubite and "Harsh S*xXxfukking Drugokalypse SukkenFukk Injektor (I Must To Fukking All Of Cyber Pussies In The S*xXx)" by Alien Vampires, it became apparent that the sick, Harsh, uncompromising sounds of aggrotech are simply too sick, Harsh and uncompromising for anyone who's still listening to boring Old Man EBM for boring old EBM men.
You want to stay in your comfort zone, listening to the same old seminal, genre-defining, critically-acclaimed bands just because "Headhunter is one of the most iconic tunes of all time" or "Nitzer Ebb's first three albums are near perfection in terms of songcraft, production and aesthetics" or "the influence of DAF [who look totally gay btw - Ed's note] continues to transcend subgenres and make itself felt across a broad spectrum of contemporary electronic music"? Fine. Come back when you're ready for proper EBM (which I believe is short for "elektronik brutality musik"). It ain't the 1980s any more, granddad. There's a new sheriff in town and his name is Andy laPlegua.
Aggro. Tech. The clue is in the name (which I believe is short for "aggressive technology"). If you're still not getting it, just check out the video for "Slutbutt" (sorry if the language is too Harsh for your genteel sensibilities). This tune by leading lights of the scene, Centhron, has everything. A highly innovative, memorable synth hook that must have taken countless minutes to write. That classic Schaffel beat, programmed and finely tuned to weed out any needless distractions like dynamics, groove or sonic impact. Sensual, well-choreographed dance moves that in no way look like runway marshalls warming up before another shift at Stansted.
And, of course, the Harshest element of all: gargling vocals performed by a badass frontman who is so Harsh he can't stop gurning at the camera, all hunched over with his arms splayed out. If you made it through the video without being terrified by the singer's evil Harsh white contact lenses, congratulations, maybe you're not such a poser after all.
You'll notice that unlike in DAF's videos, there are no sweaty topless men to be seen. Centhron are true red blooded Harsh industrial warriors. Like them, I too am an appreciator of the female form, or at least I was until my parents blocked access to SuicideGirls on our home network.
Anyway, time to leave my faintly musty smelling bedroom and head to a doctor's appointment. If I don't regularly get the accumulated Monster Energy fluid drained from my frontal sac it causes my head to expand so dramatically my spiky goggles don't fit any more.
I sure as shit don't want to have to go and buy a new pair at Cyberdog - last time I had to venture out that way, a gang of teens in designer streetwear chased me through the market calling me a "neon nonce" and throwing chips at me before shoving me headfirst into Camden Lock.