Look mum, no teeth!

Since an early age - maybe even before I figured out how to put my dad's old Weather Report records on the turntable - I have enjoyed running my mouth about music almost as much as I enjoy listening to it. Perhaps unsurprisingly, most people don't seem to think listening to me jabber excitedly about why I love this band or song or album over the top of the music enhances the experience. But far more surprisingly (to me at least) few other people I knew growing up seemed keen to discuss the music they liked either.

[average "conversation" about music in the playground] "What bands do you like mate?"
"Uhh...Muse, Pixies, Nirvana"
"Cool, what's their story?"
[blank stare]

As I got older I found that there was a kind of taboo around being really into your music and having Big Opinions about it. You were supposed to just chill out and listen. Never engage, never react, never respond. Don't dance about architecture. Listen to music passively and keep any thoughts or feelings about it to yourself.
I can do that, no problem. I can switch off and let the music take me same as anybody else. Sometimes I can even do it without chemical assistance. But still the opinions form unbidden, the feelings naturally occur and I have to find an outlet.

That outlet has thusfar mostly taken the shape of me belling at anyone within earshot about why Ministry's worst album before Paul Barker left is still orders of magnitude better than the best one since, or which Saxon album truly captures the spirit of the NWOBHM better than anything by Maiden or Priest, or how Shift Work sound so much like Factory Floor that Factory Floor had to remix one of their tracks to make it sound less like Factory Floor.

This ain't my first rodeo and I have written about music on a variety of platforms, but this is my first concerted attempt to make something cohesive out of it all. This feels like the perfect time in my life to start writing about music in earnest. There is so much more quality gear out there to talk about than there was fifteen years ago (in the broad category of industrial music, at least) and I'm able to go to many more gigs than I was back then. I'm more certain about what I like but haven't yet fossilised into the bitter old fart I will inevitably become when Front 242 announce they're never touring again and all of my current hot new faves on the scene have either been institutionalised or started pitching crypto currency & "mind-enhancing" dietary supplements on The Joe Rogan Experience.

So that's my justification for adding yet another music blog to the teetering stack of the bloody things already weighing down a corner of the internet the size of Ireland. If you've read this far, one question you probably still want answering is:

What is this cunt's favourite band?

Christ, I don't know, what is an urban swan's favourite kind of rubbish to make a nest on a filthy canal out of? For that is my (definitely entirely healthy and not at all neurodivvy) relationship with music: building a fucking nest. I've always used it to shield myself from reality, to keep the world locked out if not transport me to another one. There's too much background noise in the modern world which I have no control over. When I put my headphones in I am tuning into background noise which I've specifically sought out and chosen myself, at whatever volume I choose.

That's all very well and good but what is your favourite band, dickhead?

You're not gonna drop this are you? Fine, here are a selection of bands I feel very strongly about one way or another, and have seen live enough times to call myself a real fanboy / groupie / sycophant:

Ministry
No band has ever been more past it than this. There's a decent analogy to the Simpsons here: a promising start in the 80s, a creative peak in the 90s, a terminal decline at the turn of the century & plateau of mediocrity beyond that. It's astonishing that Al Jourgensen still thinks With Sympathy - a goth pop masterpiece chock full of 80s yacht synth bangers, in this house's opinion - is his worst and most embarrassing album, given the last two decades of grooveless, artless, joyless & digitally compressed cod-thrash dross he's been churning out since the turn of the millennium.
So why do I love Ministry so much if they've sucked for nearly two thirds of my life (and over half of their own career)?
Because when you've got such lethal weapons under your belt as the aforementioned With Sympathy, the untouchable trio of Land Of Rape And Honey, The Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste and Psalm 69, the near-perfect live album In Case You Didn't Feel Like Showing Up and a slew of weird, funny and brilliant side projects like Lard, PTP and RevCo, you have plenty of ammunition to throw back at anyone who tries to define your career by its (admittedly ongoing) flop era. Maybe that's why Al hasn't thrown in the towel yet - he knows his place in history has already been secured by all of his (and many collaborators') hard work in the 80s and 90s and can now afford to fuck about to his heart's content. At least the old reprobate is keeping himself busy.

Underworld
One of my wife's all-time favourites, a fact which she sprang on me within an hour of us first meeting. I asked in good faith: "Oh, did they do that Lager Lager song off of Trainspotting?" and she almost never spoke to me again. They've since become one of my favourites as well and more importantly one of my favourite live acts. Every Underworld gig we go to is somehow even more joyful than the last. The albums are something special as well of course. Before I properly sat down and listened to the holy trinity of Dubnobass, Second Toughest and Beaucoup Fish, I saw and heard the 1990s through the grim, smack-addled, angst-ridden bile of American industrial, but Underworld brought light in. I think you need a balanced bit of both to avoid turning into either an embarrasing Cool Britannia nostalgic or a trenchcoat-wearing permanent highschooler well into middle age.
I do of course still occasionally refer to "Under World" as "the lager lager band", just to see the face my wife makes.

Killing Joke
I have too many memories, hot takes and repressed emotions to share about these fuckers to fit here so stay tuned for full-length diatribes on the subject further down the line. Meanwhile, I leave you with this fun piece of trivia: not only is drummer "Big" Paul Ferguson not the tallest person in Killing Joke, he isn't even the tallest member they've had called Paul.

Nitzer Ebb
Again, I have so much to say about this band I don't even know where to begin, but here's a picture I drew once: