"Little man, that's Nitzer Ebb, not Nitzer Ebb, what? / Pronounce it right, you prick" - Stormzy

n0teeth is a bit pressed for time today, with work both paid and domestic to be completed before our big trip to Japan tomorrow (which we still haven't even started packing for, of course) so here is a post that I could more or less write in my sleep, about a band whose music has soundtracked a fairly significant percentage of my waking hours since I was about 16. I'm talking, of course, about Essex legends Collapsed Lung Nitzer fackin' Ebb.

Sometimes I'm Bon but today I am Doug

I can't even put into words how life-changing That Total Age was for me when I first heard it, almost 20 years after it was first released, and in the middle of an objectively lousy time for British music. The stark aesthetic, cryptic sloganeering and steely metallic groves couldn't have been more different from the landfill's worth of irritatingly chirpy mockney indie bands populating the shelves of every Fopp, HMV and WH Smith in the country. Nitzer Ebb are like my Radiohead or my Nirvana or whatever perspective- & personality-altering band it is that people discover in their mid-teens and never stop loving even if they haven't written a decent song in decades (Nirvana, slackers that they are, haven't written any new songs full stop). Here are ten reasons why they instantly became and remain to this day one of my favourite bands:

  1. Isn't It Funny How Your Body Works?

    There is no law stating that a song whose title sounds like it belongs to some some hideously awkward and embarrassing sex ed video from the 1970s shouldn't be one of the greatest electro-punk bangers ever written.
  2. Warsaw Ghetto

    The only true and correct form of this song is the original seven minute 12" single version. Any two-bit goth DJ who tries to fob you off with the radio edit can be safely assumed to be in the pocket of Big Radio.
  3. Join In The Chant (Burn!)

    Everyone has their own favourite version of this song even if it's not their favourite Nitzer Ebb song. Mine is the effortlessly danceable, crisper-than-a-starched-white-collar "Burn!" mix which I requested at my wedding only for our good friend and DJ Chris to put Mrs Internet and I through our paces with the six-minute original cardio workout from the album. Nobody said married life wouldn't come with its own set of challenges to overcome together and through sickness and health we joined in the chant with as much gusto as our aching feet would allow.
    Shout out as well to the 'metal mix' of JITC, which, rather than being some cack-handed foreshadowing of Nitzer's later regrettable dalliance with guitars, simply replaces most of the percussion sounds with the satisfying clang of metal-on-metal. Nitzer were by no means the only band to have a "metallised" version of a big club hit - Laibach, Test Dept, Die Warzau and even the Ebb's fellow Essex boys Depeche Mode (for some definitions of "industrial" and "big club hit") all got the treatment. Was this just a gimmick to try and restore some "proper industrial" cred to bands that had moved away from the genre's experimental basis and towards the dance floor? Yes. Do the "metal mix" versions sound cool as hell? Also yes.
  4. Trust Ran In Colours

    It's very difficult to choose just one favourite song from the superb demo tape Basic Pain Procedure but Douglas hollering "ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS / TRUST NO FOOL" over a chugging motorik rhythm makes the closing track a disturbing delight. It's a fittingly DAF-esque goodbye to this period of their career - when That Total Age appeared a few years later the band could no longer be accused of merely being a British imitation of the Düsseldorf crew.
  5. So Bright, So Strong

    Accompanied by a low budget and quite frankly adorable (not an adjective the Ebb has ever inspired me to use in any other context) video this is early Nitzer at their most tuneful. Doug practically croons over a pelting synth punk beat while the odd metallic clang hints at industrial pot & pan abuse to come on That Total Age - the release of which which actually predated the official release of this song despite being written and recorded later, anorak-wearing trivia fans!
  6. Blood Money

    A deeply sinister cut from what is low key my favourite Nitzer Ebb album. I say "low key" as it has the odd dud, same with every album in the holy Age/Belief/Showtime trinity, but perfection has never been a part of the Ebb's strangely compelling charm. Over a bass-heavy mid-paced beat Doug threateningly intones "Don't take that cross away, don't take that cash away" while in an extremely rare case of the Ebb deploying samples a televangelist (remember them from, uh, pretty much every other industrial song in the 80s and 90s?) declares "I believe the bible, and I believe what God said", which any Ebbhead worth their salt will sing along with when they play it live.
  7. Getting Closer

    I think this one actually scared me a bit when I first listened to Showtime. Thirty seconds of unnerving guitar/synth/god knows what feedback builds up to a brisk marching groove over which Douglas barks and snarls and roars with a venom that was largely absent from his more subtle performance preceding album. "I KNOW WHAT YOU BUY / BUT I'M NOT SELLING" is one of those glorious Nitzer slogans that doesn't explicitly state their politics but could, in 1990, at the dog end of Thatcherism, quite possibly be a defiant retort to commercialism and the rampant "red braces, brick phones & cocaine lunches" financial parasitism of the decade just gone. Black Strobe's Moderne remix was one of the first hints I ever got that I might absolutely love techno if I gave it a go.
  8. Let Beauty Loose (live 1988)

    A pretty bracing tune to begin with but this rare vocal performance from Bon Harris takes it to another level. Bon sounds practically rabid, as if a roadie was on hand to wipe down the spitte-flecked mic afterwards. On an album that features such legendary dancefloor-filling calls-to-arms as "Lift up your hearts!", "Join in the chant!" and "Let your body learn! / Let your body build!", "WE'LL DANCE TILL WE FALL / THERE'S NO DESPAIR!" still manages to take the prize for being the purest distillation of EBM's peculiarly positive, uplifting form of naked aggro.
  9. KIA

    A wonderfully catchy and boppable number that, as far as we know, has nothing to do with the South Korean car manufacturer. It's hard to choose between the original and the 'PK mix' that appeared on Belief so I would suggest listening to both back to back on repeat until you've figured it out.
  10. Family Man

    This is the exception that proves the rule that Nitzer Ebb with guitars is like Bombay Mix with fruit in it, i.e. an abomination against God, science and nature. Douglas has never sounded so unapologetically Essex, sneering and leering his way through a sordid tale of east coast gangster life.

Honourable mention to Mrs Internet's favourite: the Phil Kieran remix of Murderous, possibly the best example of how perfectly Nitzer Ebb intersect with dance music:


This time tomorrow n0teeth will be hurtling through Arctic airspace en route to Tokyo, so this will be the last post for at least another day or so. I leave you with this poorly lit photo of us when we bumped into the Ebbhead-in-chief himself after a Cabaret Voltaire gig several years ago: